Valley of Thoughts

     Everything began when I was sitting for my SPM in the
end of 2002. Everything has changed since. The exm was during puasa month. The
tense was building up. And in this 1 particular evening, I felt very nervous.
My fav watch fell into the toilet bowl. I tried very hard 2 get it back. That
watch was from my dad, he bought it at Meccawhen I was standard 5, which was in 1996. so it was 6 yrs old at that time.
Since I stayed in the hostel during the exm, my parents always came and send me
juadah berbuka. That day, my dad sent me roti jala made by my mum. It is my fav
food till now. That night, my walkman fell and scattered into pieces. I was
feeling it again. The uneasy feeling. I got very restless. Usually I would felt
that way if there were smthg wrong with my elder bro, abg lang. I could sense
smthg was not going right. I couldn’t concentrate studying. The following day
was English and Sejarah. Imagine that I had to study and memorize facts with
that uneasy feeling.

Later
during sahur, I got an sms from my sis in law who was having a course in perak.
In her msg, she said, “sabarlah nadiah,ni dugaan yg plg berat utk keluarga
kita.” I was thinking, what was it. Then I replied, “dugaan ape?” then she
called. She asked me when my last ppr would be. I said it’d be in 2 weeks time.
I asked her why and what was happening. She said, she’ll tell me after I
finished my exm for that day. I continued feeling uneasy. Definitely smthg was
wrong. Then, on the way to the exm hall, I passed a few workers of the school
and 1 of them was a gardener, who was happen to be the undertaker for my
kampong. He asked me, “ayah dah blk dr skudai ke belum?” then I asked him why
my dad would went to skudai, and I didn’t know a thing. Then he said, nvr mind,
just finish the exm 1^st. that actually made the uneasy feeling grew
stronger. I didn’t know what was in my mind at that time. What went on my mind
was that my dad got married again. I sms my elder sis, asking her.” Ayah kawin
lg ke?” what a silly qs. I know. But she didn’t reply my msg.

I
couldn’t stand it anymore. As soon as I reached the exm hall, about 30mins b4
the exm started, I called my dad. I asked him why was everybody acting so
weird, asking weird questions? Then he asked me who told me, where I heard
about it. I asked him back, heard about what? I didn’t even understand what was
going on. Then, he asked me to calm down, he told me that I have a long way to
go, a long journey ahead is waiting for me. I still didn’t get the point. Then
he said a thing that I didn’t even expect to hear, didn’t even want to hear,
didn’t even want it to happen, didn’t even want to imagine…he said abg lang met
an accident the night b4, a van knocked him down. Until that sentence, I still
can be cool. But when he said that, “…ayah nk ko bsbr…ko nk exm lps ni…bang
lang meninggal waktu on the way ke hospital, dlm ambulance…” when I heard that,
I screamed my heart out, I cried my heart out…I fell on my knees…I felt like
the whole world went black, I felt like my heartbeat stopped, the clock stopped
ticking, my chest was so heavy…I didn’t want to believe what I heard from my
dad…few friends came and console me…

Bcuz of the exm was about 2 start in a few minutes, I
had to hang up, and asked my dad to wait 4 me at home. i cried along the exm
hrs. it was English. Ppr 1 n 2. I was doing ok in ppr 1. but when I came 2 do
essays in ppr 2, I felt like hell. 1 of the ‘soalan wajib’ was a report on how
to decrease the accidents among motorcyclist. And what it reminded me was about
bg.lang who was unfortunately didn’t make it to the hosp. my desk was filled
with tissues. It was like a torture. It was torturing hrs to complete ppr 1 n
2, and then Sejarah in the evening. I couldn’t concentrate, but I tried my best
2 finish the ppr. 10mins b4 the exm ended, a guru pengawas was asking for me
and said I could go. I quickly rushed to take my belongings and went out of the
exm hall. Out there was my cousin sister, waiting for me. As soon I reached
her, she hugged me and told me to be patient and there are hikmah besides what
had happened. I cried all the way home.

The moment I got out of the car, I saw 2 utm skudai’s
busses, n there were so many ppl in front of the hse and I was having a hard
time looking 4 my dad with tears filled up my eyes and clogged nose. When I saw
my dad, I hugged him so tight. Trying to get the feeling that I was hugging
bg.lang, but it didn’t feel the same. I went up to the hall and…I could see a
body lied, covered with white cloth, and ppl were sitting around reciting Yasin.
My mom called me in tears, I ran to her, hugged her, we cried in each other’s
arms…I couldn’t forget that moment where that was the last time I saw
him..wrapped and covered with kain kafan…until now I’d cry remembering those
painful moments in my life… I kissed his forehead for the last time…it was
so…hard to say goodbye to him that way… and after that, he was brought to the
grave to be buried…

Back home, the 1 who was affected the most by the
loss, was my mom. Bg.lang was my mom’s fav son. He was the most pious son.
During the waktu berbuka puasa, my mom didn’t eat even a lil. She only drank
some water and ate some dates. That’s all. She was sitting and staring at a
blank space and tears would came down her face…it was so sad seeing my mom like
that. She didn’t want 2 eat even after being persuaded by my dad and my
aunties. My dad, she cried too, but he didn’t show to us, bcuz everybody was
crying, so he must be the 1 who appear strong even though deep down inside, he
was sad more than everyone else. I remember the day during sahur, he was
comforting my mom who was crying at the kitchen. He said, “…ada hikmahnya,
Tuhan lebih sygkn die, die pergi dlm bln puasa, dlm perjalanan nk ke masjid
buat terawih, tu Allah nk mulia kn die, bkn sng org nk pergi dlm bulan baik,
dlm keadaan yg baik, pergi dlm wuduk…ins.allah Allah tptkn die kt tpt2 org yg
baik kt sane…kite yg msih hidup ni perlu teruskn hidup…”

Yeah…what my dad said was right…I felt more at peace
after thinking about that… the story is like this. Bg.lang was heading to a
masjid nearby and he was riding his bike. Usually he used short cut road. But
we didn’t know what made him took the main road which was busy at that night.
When he wanted to turn left to a junction, suddenly a van drove by a Chinese
guy knocked him down. masyaAllah…I feel like I don’t have the guts to continue
typing but I have to go on…the guy took his helmet and hid it inside his van
and took off. He went to a police station nearby and made a report that he hit
a boy who didn’t wear a helmet. That bastard thought that he would be safe if
he made that report. But luckily my bro’s friends were not far behind saw the
driver took the helmet. They split up, half of them called the ambulance and
half of them chased the driver. When they got him at the police station, they
searched for the helmet and they found it. I don’t know what animal was that,
that didn’t have the heart to save a life, regardless the race n religion, but
instead, he took the helmet and made a false report. I’ve cursed the driver
enuf. I hope he’ll die in even more torturing and the worst way. He’ll never be
forgiven.

I returned to the hostel a week later. And I realized
that I lost the motivation after what happened.  I was so scared of having big exams again.
When the result finally came out, I didn’t get shocked..cuz I know that I
didn’t perform well after what had happened…my teacher targeted me to get a1 or
a2 for English ppr 2 (1119), but instead I got 4. yeah. a 4B for 1119, and A2
for ppr 1, which I could easily get an A1…and for Sejarah, I got 4B also…I got
3Bs for all my sc subject except for add math…and other core subjects..i only
got 3As aje..if nothing happened, I could get more…but…what to do…we cant undo
things that has been done…and we cant turn back the time…looking at the
results, I cried cuz I knew I could get better results…but…I just didn’t get
it…pape pn, I’m so grateful…

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 24th, 2007 at 3:14 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.