Valley of Thoughts

what did i do wrong?
everyone i luv seems to drift away from me.
is it wrong to do things that i like, things that make me happy?
after losing lotsa things that i SHUD’VE get, now u want 2 take my happiness away?
who is doing the wrong thing here huh?
has it always been me?
i cant believe this is happening.
or am i just dreaming?
i wasnt allowed to enter music school, rite, i followed.
i wasnt allowed to be a vet, okay,i followed n took teaching instead.
i wanted to hav the operation done, u rejected my request, then i cried n beg bcuz i culdnt stand the pain that nobody cud understand, okay, u agreed.
then, u misunderstood my condition,u thought it’s just normal, i corrected but u didnt listen n u stick 2 ur own thoughts. enuf arguing.
u refused 2 let me continue my medical treatment,(because of silly reasons) i agreed with a heavy heart cuz i put my life n future at stake.
until now,the state of my health that shud’ve been better after the operation, is still the same,n sometimes even worse.
i cried n tried to hold on, but i’m not that strong anymore.
i had enuf..
and now another person i luv disapprove what i’m doing.
i dont get the full support.
i never hav. (perhaps will never hav)
i’ve been doing things on my own.
i’m trying to make myself happy cuz nobody understand what i’ve been thru, n what i’m going thru.
they dont understand me n they dont make me happy.
they suffered a lot from the loss, but i think i suffered more cuz i’m not the same as anybody else, i’m physically n emotionally hurt, my health n future is at risk.
they dont understand.
they never do.
who does?
who cares?
only myself.
so what i’m doing now is just to mend my broken heart.
at this moment, i reli need support from them.
but i dont hav that..
i dont hav that…
i’m just trying to make myself happy…
that’s all…
i dont do drugs, i just do what i’m doing…
they are drifting away..
or is it me?
i dont know…
why?
why?
shit, i hate this kinda feeling.

The loss of family members didn’t only stop at my
arwah bg.lang… this time, kak ngah…she was the most pious daughter, the soft
one among the siblings. she was happily married to my bro in law and she got
pregnant not long after her wedding. She was so cheerful; and I could see the
glow in her motherly face. While she was
expecting, she had this cough which didn’t stop even after taking medicine
after medicine, and seeing doctors one after another. That time I was having
study leave before my final semester exm. (again,exm) when she was in the
hospital b4 entering the labour room, she told me that she wanted me to take
care of her while she was in pantang since I was having a holiday at that time.
The day she delivered the baby was the 2^nd day of puasa month. And
the baby girl was named Ain Sumayyah. After she delivered the baby, while she
was in her pantang, her coughs worsen. She got tired easily. She had to stop
and sit for a while after coming down from the stairs to the kitchen. She would
sit on this 1 particular chair for a while and after that continue walking to
the toilet.

 One
day, in the 3^rd week of ramadhan, while I was watching tv with her,
suddenly she coughed. And there was blood in her phlegm. I got panicked, I called
my mom at school and told her that I wanted to take kak ngah to the hosp. then
my mom called my dad, but he said, just took her to a clinic nearby, which the
doc is a family friend. The doc just gave her cough syrup and didn’t do anythg
more. I saw kak ngah panting and tired, even after just a few steps. After she
bathe, I was the one to dried her hair, put clothes on her, cuz she didn’t have
the energy. One morning during sahur, she passed out. He face went pale, her
feet were as cold as ice. My mom called her name, but she didn’t answer. My dad
and her husband took her to the hosp. she gained consciousness at the hosp, but
the doc there sense something was wrong with her respiratory system. She sent
kak ngah to GH in Melaka. There, kak ngah collapsed again. I didn’t know what
happened. I just knew that I had the same feeling the night where bg.lang met
an accident. I tried to ignore the feeling, didn’t want it 2 overcome me. I was
at home, with the baby cuz my bg.long, mak, ayah n my bro in law were at the
hosp. my younger sis was at her hostel. She went back home when I told her kak
ngah was in the hosp. I called my dad, asking about her condition. He said, the
doc said that 70% of her lungs were gone. She was diagnosed with Pneumonia. I
was so shocked, tears filled my eyes, I couldn’t get my mouth open to say
anything. Deep down inside, I prayed to Allah so that she’ll be fine. Then I
got another call. Saying that she was in coma and in the ICU. i wanted to go to
the hosp but my mak long didn’t allow me to drive. So she asked my cousin’s
husband to drive me to the hosp. along the way, I prayed a lot for miracle to
happen. I cant afford to lose another family mmber…only miracle from Him can
save her.

But when I reached there, everything was too late…she
was gone…I went into the ICU where my parents, her husband, my bro, my cousins
gathered…I hugged my mom, I hugged my bro, I hugged my cousin sister…I almost
fell to the floor seeing the nurses took the wires from the dono what machine
off from her. I was told that she was gone the night b4, but it’s the machine
that kept her heart beating…the night when she was gone, I had a dream, where
she was doing ok, recovered from the illness, and went back home to her baby.
But it was only a dream…the day after, she was gone…Allah loves her more…I went
back home…looking at the 3weeks old baby, I couldn’t stop myself from
crying…wondering how the future of this baby would be without her ummi…that
night till raya, I was the 1 who slept beside the baby, prepared milk for her
whenever she cried at the middle of the night…sometimes every hour she’d cry
for milk and to change her pampers…this time, it was my dad who was affected
the most…because…I think, if he just allowed me to take her to the hosp the day
she coughed blood, maybe she still can be saved…but…it’s fated…even though we
do everything, we cant change anything that has been fated…

I’ve lost a brother who was close to me. I’ve lost my
one and only elder sister who was also very close to me…she was the 1 I looked
for when I need advices, she was the 1 whom I talked to when I had problems
with my ex bf…we laughed together, we cried together… I still remember, I was
the one who cried when she broke of with her ex. Funny ey, but that was what
had happened…she was a good listener and counselor, bcuz she took psychology in
college. she had everything that she ever wanted in her life when God took back
all of them…Allah lebih sygkn die..she passed away in puasa month, just like
bg.lang…and sure there’ll be a good place for her there… now, the baby, Ain
Sumayyah is 2yrs++. Healthy, fair n chubby just like kak ngah…I cant afford to
lose another family members..seriously…so friends, do appreciate them while u
still can laugh and cry with them…

Al-Fatihah to arwah kak ngah n arwah bg.lang…

Semoga roh mereka di tmptkn di tpt2 org yg soleh dan
solehah…

Amin….

     Everything began when I was sitting for my SPM in the
end of 2002. Everything has changed since. The exm was during puasa month. The
tense was building up. And in this 1 particular evening, I felt very nervous.
My fav watch fell into the toilet bowl. I tried very hard 2 get it back. That
watch was from my dad, he bought it at Meccawhen I was standard 5, which was in 1996. so it was 6 yrs old at that time.
Since I stayed in the hostel during the exm, my parents always came and send me
juadah berbuka. That day, my dad sent me roti jala made by my mum. It is my fav
food till now. That night, my walkman fell and scattered into pieces. I was
feeling it again. The uneasy feeling. I got very restless. Usually I would felt
that way if there were smthg wrong with my elder bro, abg lang. I could sense
smthg was not going right. I couldn’t concentrate studying. The following day
was English and Sejarah. Imagine that I had to study and memorize facts with
that uneasy feeling.

Later
during sahur, I got an sms from my sis in law who was having a course in perak.
In her msg, she said, “sabarlah nadiah,ni dugaan yg plg berat utk keluarga
kita.” I was thinking, what was it. Then I replied, “dugaan ape?” then she
called. She asked me when my last ppr would be. I said it’d be in 2 weeks time.
I asked her why and what was happening. She said, she’ll tell me after I
finished my exm for that day. I continued feeling uneasy. Definitely smthg was
wrong. Then, on the way to the exm hall, I passed a few workers of the school
and 1 of them was a gardener, who was happen to be the undertaker for my
kampong. He asked me, “ayah dah blk dr skudai ke belum?” then I asked him why
my dad would went to skudai, and I didn’t know a thing. Then he said, nvr mind,
just finish the exm 1^st. that actually made the uneasy feeling grew
stronger. I didn’t know what was in my mind at that time. What went on my mind
was that my dad got married again. I sms my elder sis, asking her.” Ayah kawin
lg ke?” what a silly qs. I know. But she didn’t reply my msg.

I
couldn’t stand it anymore. As soon as I reached the exm hall, about 30mins b4
the exm started, I called my dad. I asked him why was everybody acting so
weird, asking weird questions? Then he asked me who told me, where I heard
about it. I asked him back, heard about what? I didn’t even understand what was
going on. Then, he asked me to calm down, he told me that I have a long way to
go, a long journey ahead is waiting for me. I still didn’t get the point. Then
he said a thing that I didn’t even expect to hear, didn’t even want to hear,
didn’t even want it to happen, didn’t even want to imagine…he said abg lang met
an accident the night b4, a van knocked him down. Until that sentence, I still
can be cool. But when he said that, “…ayah nk ko bsbr…ko nk exm lps ni…bang
lang meninggal waktu on the way ke hospital, dlm ambulance…” when I heard that,
I screamed my heart out, I cried my heart out…I fell on my knees…I felt like
the whole world went black, I felt like my heartbeat stopped, the clock stopped
ticking, my chest was so heavy…I didn’t want to believe what I heard from my
dad…few friends came and console me…

Bcuz of the exm was about 2 start in a few minutes, I
had to hang up, and asked my dad to wait 4 me at home. i cried along the exm
hrs. it was English. Ppr 1 n 2. I was doing ok in ppr 1. but when I came 2 do
essays in ppr 2, I felt like hell. 1 of the ‘soalan wajib’ was a report on how
to decrease the accidents among motorcyclist. And what it reminded me was about
bg.lang who was unfortunately didn’t make it to the hosp. my desk was filled
with tissues. It was like a torture. It was torturing hrs to complete ppr 1 n
2, and then Sejarah in the evening. I couldn’t concentrate, but I tried my best
2 finish the ppr. 10mins b4 the exm ended, a guru pengawas was asking for me
and said I could go. I quickly rushed to take my belongings and went out of the
exm hall. Out there was my cousin sister, waiting for me. As soon I reached
her, she hugged me and told me to be patient and there are hikmah besides what
had happened. I cried all the way home.

The moment I got out of the car, I saw 2 utm skudai’s
busses, n there were so many ppl in front of the hse and I was having a hard
time looking 4 my dad with tears filled up my eyes and clogged nose. When I saw
my dad, I hugged him so tight. Trying to get the feeling that I was hugging
bg.lang, but it didn’t feel the same. I went up to the hall and…I could see a
body lied, covered with white cloth, and ppl were sitting around reciting Yasin.
My mom called me in tears, I ran to her, hugged her, we cried in each other’s
arms…I couldn’t forget that moment where that was the last time I saw
him..wrapped and covered with kain kafan…until now I’d cry remembering those
painful moments in my life… I kissed his forehead for the last time…it was
so…hard to say goodbye to him that way… and after that, he was brought to the
grave to be buried…

Back home, the 1 who was affected the most by the
loss, was my mom. Bg.lang was my mom’s fav son. He was the most pious son.
During the waktu berbuka puasa, my mom didn’t eat even a lil. She only drank
some water and ate some dates. That’s all. She was sitting and staring at a
blank space and tears would came down her face…it was so sad seeing my mom like
that. She didn’t want 2 eat even after being persuaded by my dad and my
aunties. My dad, she cried too, but he didn’t show to us, bcuz everybody was
crying, so he must be the 1 who appear strong even though deep down inside, he
was sad more than everyone else. I remember the day during sahur, he was
comforting my mom who was crying at the kitchen. He said, “…ada hikmahnya,
Tuhan lebih sygkn die, die pergi dlm bln puasa, dlm perjalanan nk ke masjid
buat terawih, tu Allah nk mulia kn die, bkn sng org nk pergi dlm bulan baik,
dlm keadaan yg baik, pergi dlm wuduk…ins.allah Allah tptkn die kt tpt2 org yg
baik kt sane…kite yg msih hidup ni perlu teruskn hidup…”

Yeah…what my dad said was right…I felt more at peace
after thinking about that… the story is like this. Bg.lang was heading to a
masjid nearby and he was riding his bike. Usually he used short cut road. But
we didn’t know what made him took the main road which was busy at that night.
When he wanted to turn left to a junction, suddenly a van drove by a Chinese
guy knocked him down. masyaAllah…I feel like I don’t have the guts to continue
typing but I have to go on…the guy took his helmet and hid it inside his van
and took off. He went to a police station nearby and made a report that he hit
a boy who didn’t wear a helmet. That bastard thought that he would be safe if
he made that report. But luckily my bro’s friends were not far behind saw the
driver took the helmet. They split up, half of them called the ambulance and
half of them chased the driver. When they got him at the police station, they
searched for the helmet and they found it. I don’t know what animal was that,
that didn’t have the heart to save a life, regardless the race n religion, but
instead, he took the helmet and made a false report. I’ve cursed the driver
enuf. I hope he’ll die in even more torturing and the worst way. He’ll never be
forgiven.

I returned to the hostel a week later. And I realized
that I lost the motivation after what happened.  I was so scared of having big exams again.
When the result finally came out, I didn’t get shocked..cuz I know that I
didn’t perform well after what had happened…my teacher targeted me to get a1 or
a2 for English ppr 2 (1119), but instead I got 4. yeah. a 4B for 1119, and A2
for ppr 1, which I could easily get an A1…and for Sejarah, I got 4B also…I got
3Bs for all my sc subject except for add math…and other core subjects..i only
got 3As aje..if nothing happened, I could get more…but…what to do…we cant undo
things that has been done…and we cant turn back the time…looking at the
results, I cried cuz I knew I could get better results…but…I just didn’t get
it…pape pn, I’m so grateful…

Heart and Soul

The heart is pounding…

The soul is aching…

Blaring…

Shouting…

But no one could hear a thing…

If the heart could talk,

Would they listen or mock?

If the soul cried,

Would they wipe it or just disregard?

The heart and soul are looking for something,

But they have no idea and keep wondering,

They could never see tomorrow,

But nobody tells a word about the sorrow;
The heart thought it has found its home,

But then soul said. ‘No heart, this is not our home’…

Eternal Summer

Summer,
Draws its curtain,
Takes away the chance,
That once been laid upon,
Leaving the audience,
With tears and frustration.

Summer,
For me it’s forever,
Daffodils and blooming flowers,
Convoy together,
Waiting in hollow.

Summer,
To you,
It’s too short a date,
To me,
This eternal summer will not fade,
I will always wait,
For you to embrace,
Me in this eternal summer,
Which will shine forever.

Undead.

Where is the poison tree?
I am looking for thee,
Why is today so hazy?
I don’t understand why,
This happens to me.

I’m feeling so fiery,
The air is my enemy,
What should I do so it would flee,
I don’t know what to do exactly.

All papers that I shread,
The tears that I shed,
I wish this feeling is dead,
But it’s undead,
I can’t live with this ire,
‘Cuz it won’t make me any stronger.

Y.O.U

Raindrops,
Are falling as I read Aesops’,
And I was thinking about you,
Wondering when will you,
Pose something that I’d answer ‘I do’,
I can see your smiles,
From as far as thousand miles,
And they are drifting nearer,
As your breathe I could hear,
Nothing can ser us apart, dear,
‘Cuz you and I are one entity forever.

Friend or Foe??

Like a dagger,
Stabbed from behind,
Who did it, who?
I couldn’t see, no,
Was it a friend or a foe.

I twirled back,
Finally I could detect,
A familiar figure,
Wearing a veneer.

Was I a fool?
Was I too merciful?
Or was I too benign,
Pardoning this filthy malevolent soul,
Who gashed me from behind.

This time, friend,
I shall pronounce you my foe,
To err is human,
I can’t hold on to it,
No more.

No matter what you do,
Even you crawl,
Even you wail,
Even you howl
for absolution,
There’s only one solution,
I’ll ignore you,
You are my friend no more.

Remember now,
You are my foe,
Remember this,
Away you filthy soul!

It Has to be You

it has to be you
so dont ever say adieu
the world would freeze
cuz it’s u i breathe.

it has to be you
i know it is true
everytime i see thee
my heart goes bubbly
dont go without a trace
for i cant see through the haze.

so it has to be you
please love, dont ever say adieu.